Day before surgery has been pretty relaxing

My mom, Cassidy and I went to Garden in the Woods in Framingham this morning to try to take Cassidy's 18 month picture (my girl is 18 months old!  when did that happen?).  It was chilly! Fall has arrived (for the day at least). While the garden was more just woods at this time of year, we had many good picture taking opportunities.

Cass kept running away from us and Grammie had to chase her down

My Favorite!

We had a really fun time!

I'd have to be totally dead inside not to be nervous about tomorrow but... I think I'm doing okay. Last night I talked to an American Cancer Society volunteer with the Reach to Recovery program. They matched me up with someone who had the exact same surgery and reconstruction. It was nice to hear what to expect from someone who went through the same thing. I feel like I know a little better what to expect tomorrow and I know I can handle it. The bottom line is, after tomorrow's surgery, I will still be me. A mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a valued employee, an avid exerciser, a dog-lover and a control freak. Real boobs or fake boobs or the kinda-sorta lumps I’ll have for the next few months doesn’t change who I am. 

Digi scrapbooking supplies from Shabby Shoppe

Pre-op appointments

Today I had two pre-operative appointments. 1st with a nurse who took my blood pressure, medical history and reviewed my instructions for Friday.  I answered like 75 questions about my history with all No's.  At 39 years old I can understand how shocking it is that I've never had a heart attack, stroke, diabetes! I'm healthy. Oh! Except for the cancer in my boob!

2nd appointment was with the breast surgeon’s nurse practitioner.  She explained the surgery to me (didn't I know all that before I made the decision?), showed me how to empty the drains (but the nurses will show me that at the hospital too) and attempted to explain when I'd be able to drive, lift things etc. but almost all her responses were "We defer to the plastic surgeon on that so they'll let you know".   Okay then. Why am I here with you instead of the PS then?  Waste of time!

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I want to say thanks to all my amazing friends. I have relied on them more, in the past months, than ever before in my life. And they have risen to the challenge. Many kind ears to listen to my poor me attitude and freak outs.  Spa gift certificates, lunches out, a Nook, a pedicure, books, pillows and new shoes (yes, someone bought me shoes) to take my mind off things and help ease the awfulness. I want to say publicly – Thank You! I appreciate you all and will rely on you for awhile longer. I suspect the hardest part is yet to come.

I have to say a special thanks to Bill who certainly has the biggest challenge ahead. Poor Bill.  I’ve held it together pretty well, joking about it occasionally. But Bill got the rawest of my emotions during the last two months. I relied on Bill to hold me through the times I was scared, angry, freaking out and sobbing my heart out.  I married the best guy in the world! 

It’s much easier to face this and stay strong with all of you supporting me. Thank you!

Lots of your friends want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
- Oprah Winfrey

Theshabbyshoppe.com for digi-scrapbook papers

Big E

Friday we went to the Big E (it's a big fair). The weather was perfect (better than the rest of the weekend). We rode the ferris wheel (at Cassidy's request)

We ate fried dough and apple pie (big hits with Cassidy!) and fed goats & donkeys!

Five days until surgery. I'm pretty sure I look calm and collected but on the inside I'm screaming, crying and getting an ulcer.  I'm sure I'll get lots of work done in the office this week. insert eye roll. 

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

If you don’t know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month you must live in a closet and have someone slip you skinny meals under the door.  Every magazine I’ve read in the last two weeks has articles about breast cancer. How to figure out if you have it, what the risks are, whose had it and how they’re doing.  Commercials on the radio about the Making Strides against breast cancer walk in Boston this weekend. Even the discount kids  site – Zulily – today had kids shirts with the pink ribbon!  I’m happy that it gets lots of attention and I absolutely hope they find a cure – especially since my daughter will be high risk for breast cancer. Next year I’ll be walking and collecting money for research.

But this year I’d like to read a magazine for entertainment and not have it remind me that cancer is growing in my right breast! I think about it enough, I don’t need reminders.

Cassidy is going through an adjustment period with the move to the toddler room at school and the transition to one nap a day. She’s doing great and learning new things but she’s also tired and cranky. Frustrated that she’s talking but we don’t understand her. And the more tired she is the naughtier she is and the more she wants mommy to cuddle with her.  So the further disruption of mommy not being able to pick her up is bad timing. I’m sure we’ll manage but it’s one more thing I’m worrying about.

We don't know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have.

-unknown

Counting down

We love counting down to vacations at our house. I think Bill and I counted down to our honeymoon for months.  We'd email each other things like "2 months, 15 days until our vacation".  Then when we were on our honeymoon (and every vacation since then) we say to each other "Happy 2nd (or 3rd, 4th etc) day of vacation!"!  I think, most humans enjoy a happy countdown. Unfortunately you count down to bad things too and that's what I'm driving myself crazy with lately.

• 12 days until surgery
• 12 more days of picking up and squeezing this beautiful lady 

• 8 days until pre-op appointments
• 6 more days until we go to the Big E
• 1 more weekend of happy/healthy normal Sheryl
• 12 more hours until the knot in my stomach gets a little bigger (happens every day now)

I feel like I should be doing something.  But I don't know what the something is. Sitting around crying is not for me. I've thought about a support group but my life is so busy already - I don't want to take a second away from my life outside work for that. I guess I'll just continue on with business as usual. Work, exercise, errands, spending time with Cassidy, Bill and Jake and whoever else. 

And maybe figure out something BIG and GOOD to start counting down to. Right before all this boob lump stuff started I'd told a few friends that for my 40th birthday I wanted a weekend in the sun. Since Bill is allergic to that fiery ball in the sky (his words, not mine) I'm relying on friends to come with me. I don't care if I have no money and have to charge it (this is SHOCKING coming from me) but I am celebrating that birthday just how I want.  I think this week I'll start researching sunny destinations!  Get your passports ready girls :-)

I love my fridays off

Another long weekend for me haha
Since my diagnosis I haven't worked much on a Friday beyond occasionally checking my blackberry. It's really nice. Today Cassidy and I had a long lunch with a good friend. Then we took Jake to the vet for nail trimming.

Jake is loving our new screen door because he can lay down and look outside. The ultimate in lazy.

And yet, he's not too lazy when he's home alone, as this turned out to be the second day in a row he got diapers out of the garbage and shredded them all over Cassidy's room!  That's always nice to come home to.  I can never be mad at him though. The epilepsy medication made him do it :-)

Finally – Information

Well, it took seven phone calls and messages but I finally have information about appointments, forms etc.  My surgery is at Faulkner hospital in Jamaica Plain.  It’s in the afternoon (boo – not eating makes for a crabby Sheryl!). I have pre-op appointments earlier in the same week as my surgery and the form for my HR department is just waiting a signature and should be in the mail to me soon.

Also, the genetic counselor called with my results and I was negative for the BRCA gene. Which is great news for me and all those girls related to me J

I did some reading about choosing to do a bilateral mastectomy and not too many women regret doing it but quite a few regret not doing it due to having to get MRI’s and mammograms every 6 months to check the natural breast plus issues with symmetry. No matter what it’s a stinky situation and decision.

In the meantime I'm just waiting to have surgery. Which is not a fun thing to be waiting for and dreading all the time but I'm trudging along.