Sunday, August 21, 2011

More stress than I've ever felt in my life

Awhile back we had invited the in laws over for a BBQ. Bill asked me Friday if I wanted to cancel and I said no. So we invited a good friend of Bill's, his girlfriend and daughter to join us too. I don't want cancer or the treatment of it, to interfere (too much) with our lives. I want to have good times.

But now that the day is here...   I'm really nervous about tomorrows appointment at the hospital to go over the biopsy results and the treatment plan. I'm nervous about going to work Tuesday. I don't feel like I'm in a good place emotionally. Which isn't a good day to be a hostess.  So now I'm stressed about today too.  I'm sure at the end of the day I'll feel silly for thinking/posting any of this because I'm sure the day will be good and fun.

maybe it's silly but... I haven't seen anyone but Bill and my mom since I found out. Sure I've talked to girlfriends on the phone but... I feel like its going to be different face to face and I'm not sure I'm ready.
I said to Bill the night we got the diagnosis, I've had a charmed life. Until earlier this year all my grandparents were alive and healthy (Grandpa H. passed in June at 92). My family has never really dealt with serious illness or any kind of tragedy. The saddest things I've ever been through has been my pets illnesses and deaths.  I'm unprepared on how to deal with this.  While I can joke with girlfriends about flashing, wet T-shirt contests and plaster-of-paris boob impressions... inside I feel so scared and in shock.  How did this happen?

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